Made it home, at least.
Yesterday was a friend’s birthday so of course I went out to celebrate. It’s the first time I’ve been actually intoxicated in a month or more. Exciting to get back on the horse, I guess. Mostly I was just happy to be in the company of people I don’t see often enough.
When I left to catch the last bus home, I was shocked to find a thick layer of snow on the ground. More than an inch, maybe two inches, had fallen between my arrival at the party and my exit. (It snowed all night, looks like – lots on the ground right now. Love it.) It was pretty but also strange. Fake-looking, somehow. Like snow in a movie.
I called Boyfriend and we ended up chatting for more than an hour while I waited for the bus and rode back to my house. It was really good for a while, always wonderful to hear his voice and his laugh, and then…I don’t know. I was drunk and tired and I sort of hit a wall. By the time I got home, I was so sad. I just wanted to sit down and cry and cry and cry.
Even this morning I still feel sad. This happens sometimes when I party. Plus I think it’s getting harder and harder to be away from Boyfriend. I miss him. I miss having him around. I’m so jealous of my roommates, who can go see their lovers, who can date like a normal couple, spend the night, meet up for coffee. Boyfriend and I spend months apart and then get a few days, maybe a week, to suddenly crash together again and try to get in all the affection and intimacy and good hard fucking that we’ve been missing out on. It’s not enough. I’m sick of it.
So I’m sad today. Sad and hungover and dizzy.
I don’t! I don’t!
The other night in one of my classes, a young woman was sharing details of her upcoming marriage. Since we found out she was engaged (a week ago) to the young man she’s been dating (for about five months), she has purchased her dress, picked out the venue, cake, colors (apparently weddings have to have themes that revolve around colors?) and photographer. Oh, and the wedding date (six months away).
But…why?
Xmas Infinity
Last night I stumbled home in the cold to find a package waiting for me. I’d been expecting it – something from Boyfriend, a late Christmas present he’d been buzzing about. Knowing him as I do, I knew it would be something wonderful. And it was.
I’m a writer. I love words. I love books. I read voraciously. But one book has stuck with me for the past few years – Black Swan Green by David Mitchell. I didn’t realize when he asked me about this book, this beautiful wonderful book that I love, that he had something up his sleeve. I thought he just wanted to read something that I recommended, which is a wonderful gesture in itself.
The note that came with the book said, among other things, “look inside.” I peeked at the front cover, the back cover, leafed through the pages. Nothing. What gives? Then I saw it, thick black marker on the title page.
Not just a book I love, not just the first printing of a book I love, but a signed first printing of a book I love. I called him immediately to thank him, but I had so little to say. I was blown away and overwhelmed and could barely get any words out. Oh, there were tears! All I could do was stare down at this incredible gift and reflect on my own good fortune at loving and being loved by this man. My only regret of the night was living so far away from him and not being able to thank him as properly as he deserved.
